Wow, this is a long entry. Take two days to read it.
I spoke with my writers this week and told them that the last episode of Elven Sarah (or is it ElvenSarah?) had far too much sexual content. No one enjoys sex so we need to avoid that kind of thing. I knew I shouldnít have hired those guys from playboy magazine. The intent of this journal is to provide the latest intelligence on what is really happening in the world, not which daytime celebrity got drunk and snogged at an awards show. They promised this edition will only contain thought inducing philosophical content and hard hitting news. Hopefully, we have a titillating expose for your brain organ. So, without further delay, I present the sexless entry.
So thatís why my brain not work
The internet is a plot by aliens from space to make humans sterile and I have proof. You heard me. (Well, you heard me if you have a voice in your head while you read) For those that still donít trust me, here is the link. Fire retardants classified as PDBEs can have detrimental effects on humans such as reproductive disorders and can come in contact with humans through the dust on computers. Several news sources have reported this story, yet most failed to see the bigger picture and understand WHY this dust is there. Where does dust come from? Well if you have done any research, you know that 1000 real tons (not those over-bloated socialists metric tons) of dust fall to earth every year! Obviously all those UFO sightings are aliens dumping this stuff in our atmosphere. (Search for Ďmysterious contrailsí on google. I dare you)
The aliens introduce the internet to earth, then dump this dust that has a two part attack. The first chemical compound in the dust causes us to become addicted to the internet, or more specifically, the flickering of your monitor and the whir of the fans. Everyone is addicted to the internet and loosing a desire for real sex, opting instead for cybersex, which of course creates no new offspring. This lack of real sex is worsened by the lies the aliens spread of the sexual diseases and the need to use condoms. The aliens contraindicate real sex, then make simulated sex hip and fun. Itís all falling into place people! Look at reproductive rates for nations with high internet use verses nations with little internet use. You will clearly see a much higher birth rate in nations that have yet been able to construct the alien network. If this continues, the unfortunate survivors will be forced to pay less than the current rate of 10 million dollars for a house on the beach in California.
It doesnít stop there though folks. While we are not having sex and sitting in front of the computer, their anti-human dust is collecting on the computers and mixing with the chemicals to cause us to be sterile. Anyone who does manage to have real sex without a condom, an accident for sure, will still not produce offspring. We are all doomed folks!
Letís think about this. I spend 24 hours a day by a computer. (That is 100 hours a day for those of you on the metric system. Or is it 1000 hours a day. I hate converting between proper measuring units and that flowery, hippy-loving, pansy peace promoting metric system. Those of us in America are the last to stand against that communist French-backed system. Iíll tell you all about that in a future edition.) So I spend 18 hours a day typing on this thing, and the rest of the day sleeping next to it. Guess I am not having any children. Maybe others can save themselves before it is too late. Good luck.
Oh, one more side effect is neurological disorders and possible paranoia leading to beliefs in grand scale conspiracies. Fortunately I havenít experienced any of that yet.
Iíve discovered a free source of energy. Have you ever noticed that when you throw a pile of cords or wires in a box, such as those on headphones, (By the way, have you ever put headphones on a dog? Good times.) that when you pull them out of the box they are somehow all tangled in a way that causes you to twist, unwind, and untie an amazingly intricate knot? How are those cords moving around so much to do this? Whatever the case, we can use it as free energy! Those of you who know a bit about physics know of induction. Iím not one of those people, but I understand these moving wires, that are moving without us adding energy, can create electricity by induction. All we have to do is create a giant ball of wires, throw it in a giant box in a giant closet, turn off the light, and presto, free electricity! Iím coming up with an even bigger scale project using the movement of the earth and itís electromagnetic field to power a giant super weapon capable of destroying that big bully Jupiter. (Donít even get me started on that guy) Stay tuned for that.
I have pages of inventions I have come up with. Healthy fast food place, LCD windows that tint and display pictures by pushing a button, all kinds of fun stuff. Iíll write down a great idea on a piece of paper and throw it in a desk drawer. I have no idea what most of the notes mean anymore. What the heck is a partially hydrogenised transmogrifier? Well one of my inventions is very important to me. Iíve been eating a lot of fiber lately and spending some quality time in the bathroom, and let me tell you, the crapper doesnít work worth crap.
Toilets need to be improved. They waste a lot of water, and they get clogged far to easy. Why has this ubiquitous device not gotten any attention from engineers? Here is some help for those of you in the industry: Multimode toilets.
Most of the time when the toilet is used, it is for urination. Why must we fill the toilet with a bowl full of water to urinate? There should be two levers. One to fill the toilet, and one to flush. When urinating you don't fill the bowl, only flush afterwards. Now when you need a little water to drop your plop and reduce smell and such, you fill the toilet first. Also it would be nice if the user could decide how much water to fill, up to a limit. The length of the flush should also depend on how long the lever is held, as urine does not need a giant flush.
While Iím in the bathroom, I would like a clamshell shaped covering behind the sink. This blocks water from splashing on the mirror when people wash their hands and brush their teeth. Mkay? While Iím driving to the bathroom (I donít use my own bathroom or else I would have to clean it) I want a mirror in my car that has concave sides so I can see cars in my blind spot. Why is a blind spot acceptable in a car when it is so easily correctable? I wonít even get started on our modern day transportation system. What a joke.
While looking for minions to build my creations and bring all the money to me, I found the site halfbakery. Sorry, it is not a donut store, but a place to share invention ideas. Most suck, but a few are very inspiring and some, like the one I have included below, are hilarious.
ďI am sure that, with a little thought, the genetics chaps could come up with some scheme which would enable people to grow the tail of their choice, fully functional.
This would be a fascinating cultural phenomenon. A tail could be an additional emotional indicator, as well as (if of the prehensile variety) a useful third hand, for holding umbrellas and the like.
Whole new sections of the clothing, hairdressing and pornography industries would come into being. Religious fanatics would grow tails, solely for the purpose of being ashamed of them and tucking them away in the trousers. Tyrannical regimes would gleefully lop off their subjects tails for minor transgressions.Ē
Speaking of things religious groups tell us to be ashamed of, the latest craze for the crazed is Shrek 2. The Traditional Values Coalition (And who doesnít love those traditional values like slavery, stoning, and second class women) claims that Shrek 2 furthers the ďtransgender agendaĒ. The interviewer should have asked him how he feels about divorce. Seems being gay is a terrible sin but a pastor can be divorced (living in sin) and still be a pastor, but a gay pastor, no way. Listen to what jesus says about it ďBut I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.Ē (Matthew 5:32, et al) Divorce rates in America for Christians is around 50 percent, yet you never hear anyone warning them about getting remarried or refusing to marry them. Thanks to Miss Lefey for the link. We seem to be trading a lot of them. J
Iím cutting this thing here folks. Itís getting too long. See you all next time and thanks for reading.
Garbage: I think Iím paranoid