Entry: the celibate entry (it's a real brain-fuck) Sunday, June 13, 2004



Wow, this is a long entry.  Take two days to read it. 

 

I spoke with my writers this week and told them that the last episode of Elven Sarah (or is it ElvenSarah?) had far too much sexual content.  No one enjoys sex so we need to avoid that kind of thing.  I knew I shouldnít have hired those guys from playboy magazine.  The intent of this journal is to provide the latest intelligence on what is really happening in the world, not which daytime celebrity got drunk and snogged at an awards show.   They promised this edition will only contain thought inducing philosophical content and hard hitting news.  Hopefully, we have a titillating expose for your brain organ.  So, without further delay, I present the sexless entry.



 

So thatís why my brain not work

 

The internet is a plot by aliens from space to make humans sterile and I have proof.  You heard me.  (Well, you heard me if you have a voice in your head while you read)  For those that still donít trust me, here is the link.  Fire retardants classified as PDBEs can have detrimental effects on humans such as reproductive disorders and can come in contact with humans through the dust on computers.  Several news sources have reported this story, yet most failed to see the bigger picture and understand WHY this dust is there.  Where does dust come from?  Well if you have done any research, you know that 1000 real tons (not those over-bloated socialists metric tons) of dust fall to earth every year!  Obviously all those UFO sightings are aliens dumping this stuff in our atmosphere.  (Search for Ďmysterious contrailsí on google. I dare you)

 

The aliens introduce the internet to earth, then dump this dust that has a two part attack.  The first chemical compound in the dust causes us to become addicted to the internet, or more specifically, the flickering of your monitor and the whir of the fans.  Everyone is addicted to the internet and loosing a desire for real sex, opting instead for cybersex, which of course creates no new offspring.  This lack of real sex is worsened by the lies the aliens spread of the sexual diseases and the need to use condoms.  The aliens contraindicate real sex, then make simulated sex hip and fun.  Itís all falling into place people!  Look at reproductive rates for nations with high internet use verses nations with little internet use.  You will clearly see a much higher birth rate in nations that have yet been able to construct the alien network.  If this continues, the unfortunate survivors will be forced to pay less than the current rate of 10 million dollars for a house on the beach in California.  

 

It doesnít stop there though folks.  While we are not having sex and sitting in front of the computer, their anti-human dust is collecting on the computers and mixing with the chemicals to cause us to be sterile.  Anyone who does manage to have real sex without a condom, an accident for sure, will still not produce offspring.  We are all doomed folks!

 

Letís think about this.  I spend 24 hours a day by a computer.  (That is 100 hours a day for those of you on the metric system.  Or is it 1000 hours a day.  I hate converting between proper measuring units and that flowery, hippy-loving, pansy peace promoting  metric system.  Those of us in America are the last to stand against that communist French-backed system.  Iíll tell you all about that in a future edition.)  So I spend 18 hours a day typing on this thing, and the rest of the day sleeping next to it.  Guess I am not having any children.  Maybe others can save themselves before it is too late.   Good luck.

 

Oh, one more side effect is neurological disorders and possible paranoia leading to beliefs in grand scale conspiracies.  Fortunately I havenít experienced any of that yet.

 


 

Closet Gnomes

 

Iíve discovered a free source of energy.  Have you ever noticed that when you throw a pile of cords or wires in a box, such as those on headphones, (By the way, have you ever put headphones on a dog?  Good times.) that when you pull them out of the box they are somehow all tangled in a way that causes you to twist, unwind, and untie an amazingly intricate knot?  How are those cords moving around so much to do this?  Whatever the case, we can use it as free energy!  Those of you who know a bit about physics know of induction.  Iím not one of those people, but I understand these moving wires, that are moving without us adding energy, can create electricity by induction.  All we have to do is create a giant ball of wires, throw it in a giant box in a giant closet, turn off the light, and presto, free electricity!   Iím coming up with an even bigger scale project using the movement of the earth and itís electromagnetic field to power a giant super weapon capable of destroying that big bully Jupiter.  (Donít even get me started on that guy)  Stay tuned for that.

 



Dirty Talk

 

I have pages of inventions I have come up with.  Healthy fast food place, LCD windows that tint and display pictures by pushing a button, all kinds of fun stuff.  Iíll write down a great idea on a piece of paper and throw it in a desk drawer.  I have no idea what most of the notes mean anymore.  What the heck is a partially hydrogenised transmogrifier?  Well one of my inventions is very important to me.  Iíve been eating a lot of fiber lately and spending some quality time in the bathroom, and let me tell you, the crapper doesnít work worth crap.

 

Toilets need to be improved.  They waste a lot of water, and they get clogged far to easy.  Why has this ubiquitous device not gotten any attention from engineers?  Here is some help for those of you in the industry: Multimode toilets.

 

Most of the time when the toilet is used, it is for urination.  Why must we fill the toilet with a bowl full of water to urinate?  There should be two levers.  One to fill the toilet, and one to flush.  When urinating you don't fill the bowl, only flush afterwards.  Now when you need a little water to drop your plop and reduce smell and such, you fill the toilet first.  Also it would be nice if the user could decide how much water to fill, up to a limit.  The length of the flush should also depend on how long the lever is held, as urine does not need a giant flush.

 

While Iím in the bathroom, I would like a clamshell shaped covering behind the sink.  This blocks water from splashing on the mirror when people wash their hands and brush their teeth.  Mkay?  While Iím driving to the bathroom (I donít use my own bathroom or else I would have to clean it)  I want a mirror in my car that has concave sides so I can see cars in my blind spot.  Why is a blind spot acceptable in a car when it is so easily correctable?  I wonít even get started on our modern day transportation system.  What a joke.

 

 

While looking for minions to build my creations and bring all the money to me, I found the site halfbakery.  Sorry, it is not a donut store, but a place to share invention ideas.  Most suck, but a few are very inspiring and some, like the one I have included below, are hilarious.

 

ďI am sure that, with a little thought, the genetics chaps could come up with some scheme which would enable people to grow the tail of their choice, fully functional.

This would be a fascinating cultural phenomenon. A tail could be an additional emotional indicator, as well as (if of the prehensile variety) a useful third hand, for holding umbrellas and the like.

Whole new sections of the clothing, hairdressing and pornography industries would come into being. Religious fanatics would grow tails, solely for the purpose of being ashamed of them and tucking them away in the trousers. Tyrannical regimes would gleefully lop off their subjects tails for minor transgressions.Ē

 

Speaking of things religious groups tell us to be ashamed of, the latest craze for the crazed is Shrek 2.  The Traditional Values Coalition (And who doesnít love those traditional values like slavery, stoning, and second class women) claims that Shrek 2 furthers the ďtransgender agendaĒ.    The interviewer should have asked him how he feels about divorce.  Seems being gay is a terrible sin but a pastor can be divorced (living in sin) and still be a pastor, but a gay pastor, no way.  Listen to what jesus says about it ďBut I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.Ē (Matthew 5:32, et al)  Divorce rates in America for Christians is around 50 percent, yet you never hear anyone warning them about getting remarried or refusing to marry them.  Thanks to Miss Lefey for the link.  We seem to be trading a lot of them.  J

 

 

Iím cutting this thing here folks.  Itís getting too long.  See you all next time and thanks for reading.

 

Current music:

Garbage: I think Iím paranoid
Chopin: Nocturnes

   17 comments

Winston
June 13, 2004   04:56 AM PDT
 
I officially love your blog! OK if I link you?

I think they already do that mirror thing, it just doesn't seem to work well enough (concave or convex?) There should be miniature cameras around the shell of the car instead of mirrors, a la Condorman, for all round visibility, and watching movies at high speed...

The energy that the closet gnomes generate condenses to a slow vibration, causing solid matter to form. This is why there are always so many coathangers.

Last time I checked, my prolonged exposure to computer dust (i fix PCs) had not affected my fertility ;)
ElvenSarah
June 13, 2004   02:22 PM PDT
 
Winston, I would be honored to have you link to me.

You are correct that it should be convex. Cars are slowly getting cameras piped to the driver now, but what I really want is an overheard satellite picture like in the game spy hunter. It would really help with passing to know what it looks like 2 cars up.
woodsmoke
June 13, 2004   06:32 PM PDT
 
Sweet....Spy Hunter. That game rules!
Jezebel
June 14, 2004   12:08 AM PDT
 
You're too funny Sarah! Love it. Oh, I prefer ElvenSarah. :)
shoulder
June 14, 2004   05:56 AM PDT
 
This blog is fantastic! Your amount of wit is actually painful (I now have a stitch) and somehow educational as well...not sure how that happened, but you should definitely try selling it.
you get linked now :)

Spike
June 16, 2004   11:14 PM PDT
 
Thanks for the "sweet" comment on my blog, I hope I can make the cuechalker thingy, though it won't be easy :) Anyway, your site is really cool. I'll get you linked soon! :D
gorman
June 17, 2004   04:54 AM PDT
 
the blog is good. nearly as good as the metric system.

okay, first of all, as i'm sure you're aware, mtric time is a stupid fucking idea. keep the systems that work, ditch the ones that don't; like say, most of the imperial system. where did these numbers come from? they're ridiculous! the great thing about the SI (which is what the whole metric system thing is called, short for systeme internationale - i'm autralian so i'm allowed to hate the french more than you) is that it consists of such easy numbers, being as all of them are one. everything is equal to everything else. it's all in the raios of 1:1:1:1:1... etc. it really is a brilliant, albeit french, concept. and considering how lefty you appear to be it shocks me that you're still clinging to the imperial system.

peace out,
-gorman
ElvenSarah
June 17, 2004   05:30 PM PDT
 
Thanks Gorman. In reality I do see the benefits of the metric system and standardized measure.
ElvenSarah
June 18, 2004   01:23 AM PDT
 
Really, I have lots of friends that use the metric system. In fact, my neighbor uses it and I just invited him over to a BBQ.
woodsmoke
June 18, 2004   04:42 PM PDT
 
Hell, I've always seen the advantage in the metric system, but that's not going to stop me from making fun of those who use it. :P

Nothing personal against anyone, just a bit of good clean banterous fun.
MasterofDVD
June 19, 2004   08:39 PM PDT
 
Maybe I'm the only one who thought Dead Like Me had a lame ending. It was a really good show but at the end I really didn't care if they were making season 2 or not.
wailfulrhyme
June 20, 2004   02:36 AM PDT
 
holy fuck! you and your blog rock! i definately have to come back!
woodsmoke
June 20, 2004   07:59 PM PDT
 
Maybe I'm just out of it, but where did the "Dead Like Me" comment come from?

Sorry, never heard of the show and just don't remember seeing it in his entry. Of course, considering how long it's been since I read through it--I usually just look to see if there's a new entry then move on.

Ah, forget it. Pay no attention to the exhausted teenage rambler, folks.
ElvenSarah
June 20, 2004   10:50 PM PDT
 
Wood, it was in reference to a comment on made on wailful's blog.
ElvenSarah
June 22, 2004   12:29 AM PDT
 
I do wish we had a better way to count time though. Have you ever tried to add a set of hours and minutes? It is very difficult thanks to minutes and hours using different bases. If I add 6 hours 15 minutes and 4 hours 27 minutes it is not easily done with a calculator. 4.27 and 6.15 doesn't work. Have to add minutes and hours separately or convert one of them.
woodsmoke
June 22, 2004   03:16 PM PDT
 
True, a new method of measuring time is most definitely in order.
a little robot
July 27, 2004   02:52 AM PDT
 
*a little robot enters the room*
*a little robot beeps*
*a little robot leaves*

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